Last year when everyone gathered around at midnight, we were inches from each other’s faces waiting and giggling. The one I spent over a year with, the one I really thought I would tuck myself into for years and years years… we worked in a nightclub together, did I ever tell you that?  Anyway, we climbed on this big ledge that pretty girls usually danced on and we cut the woven net to let the balloons cascade down.. Moments before he told me he was sad he wasn’t with his family, that he always spent new year’s eve with them. This crushed me and I hated myself for it. I don’t know why a lover’s family and devotion to their family would make me feel inadequate.  I just remember feeling a heaviness in my chest and a hardness in my throat that, for me, there was no where else, no one else, I’d rather be with. We kissed and I threw my head back and grabbed a glass of champagne and then went back to working.  

I can’t believe I didn’t write about that moment before. 

This year I’ll be working again, but not with him, not anywhere near him.  I wonder if he’ll think of me or if he’ll be with his family. I mostly wonder if his hands will find their way behind another girl’s head or cupped around another’s girls face or chin.

The thoughts I have of him are just lazy thoughts.  My mind drifts to him but its only because he is the most recent memory of love.. My mind goes to him when it is bored and lonely. This is not sustainable, eventually the thoughts will cease and someone else’s cologne will be tickling my nose… Right?

There is this one. And he is witty and cultured and sexy and I want to fall in love with him. And I want him to fall in love with me. The problem is, I would like to skip the in between to get there. I don’t even want to go to dinner with him because then if it is ruined, him, the idea and potential of him I will have no one to fantasize about… This is clearly pathetic.  Moreover, there are so, so many life decisions I need to be making right now. None Very little energy and time should be spent on thinking of who will be the next person I fall deeply in love with. 

X,

Me